Warning: This post is PG-13 due to some mild sexual references. It was extremely difficult for me to write, and I broke down into tears more than once. Please be kind in any/all comments. Thank you.
This week’s challenges have lead me to a very vulnerable place. As most of you know I recently made a huge lifestyle change by going low carb. This change was not made out of a desire to follow a “fad” diet, but out of true concern for my health, and the recommendation of my doctor. Initially, I was skeptical that this change would be any different for me than any other type of diet I have been on in the past. Low calorie, low fat, high protein, etc. I have tried it all. I may have lost 5-10 pounds, but I never ever stuck with it. I was always hungry, grumpy, feeling deprived, and I always gained it all back. This time things were different. I am never hungry. When I am, I eat. I eat sensibly and avoid processed foods. I quit drinking soda and coffee – cold turkey. So far I have lost 9 pounds.
But this blog post isn’t about patting myself on the back. It is about a deep, personal struggle I live every single day. If you’re not up for something intense and profound today, here’s your warning.
My partner is an amazing human being. I have known him for 11 years, and never once have I felt anything less than blessed to have him in my life. He loves me for who I am, and puts up with my craziness. He is gentle yet strong, patient yet assertive, and I love him with everything I have.
Despite all of this, I absolutely and sincerely HATE it when he touches me.
This may confuse some of you. I get that. It is not rational, and I wish I was different. But this is my life. I literally hate everything about my physical self. I can take even my favorite physical attributes and find the negative in them. My eyes, for example, are a very pretty dark brown color and show every emotion I feel. But one eyelid is thicker than the other, and I have genetically inherited dark circles under them. I have fairly small breasts for a large woman (36C at 260 lbs) but they are quite asymmetrical. My hair is thick and I get compliments on it fairly often. But, it is wavy and it splits at the ends pretty easily. More than likely it is also the result of my PCOS, which causes thicker hair (until it starts falling out).
Making love to my partner literally brings me to tears. He loves my body and is definitely a generous lover, but every time he puts his hands on me all I am thinking about is how obese I am. He runs his hands down my thighs and I cringe, thinking about my cellulite. He kisses my back and I inch away before he can feel my back rolls. God forbid he touches my lower abdomen and feels my mother’s apron.
This type of self-loathing is something I have been in counseling for since I was a child. It is actually pretty strange because I quite like who I am as a person! I am smart and witty, ambitious, loyal, thoughtful, inquisitive, and empathetic. It is the vessel of all of this kick-assery that is my issue, and I really wish this blog post could be like my others… ending with “this is how I deal” but the reality of the situation is: I haven’t figured out how to deal yet. I cry myself to sleep after making love to my partner because I am mortified by my physical appearance. I made a lifestyle change, which is helping me to become a healthier person, but I am terrified of losing too much weight and becoming a saggy-skinned monster. There is no comfort or solace to be found for me in this regard. So, I guess the moral of this blog post is just… Keep on Keepin’ on; try your best to think positive, and always remember that tomorrow is a new day.